BrokenRobotInc.

I’m guessing that most people would be gearing up for a fun Saturday night with friends and fun and bars. I am not I’m at home watching TED talks. I am soooooooooooooooo cool. Ugh.

So it 1230 and I’m sitting my car trying to hold back tears right? Why? Because I fucking hate myself and everything I have done to my self in the past week. I’m too drunk to drive so I’m sitting in my car listening to the traffic pass above me. It’s an interesting sound. Soothing in the most sorrowful way. I know I know that Whatever. This would have to count as bad med day number two although I’m not completely sure it has anything to do with the medication. I am an idiot. But I’ll be fine. I can be strong. Argh what the fuck ever.

I thought I had found the one and I was sadly mistaken. I thought I felt god but I think I was wrong there too. I am lost and scared an I’m doing a pretty good job of keeping that plastic smile on my face. In all honesty I can’t feel anything from the loss of my relationship. But I do feel the loss of a family that will never happen and a life that I could have lived happily passing by me…. But this might be setting things high on a pedestal. There is a lot of work I need to do on myself before I can pretend that I have a future. But when do I get to be sad? When do I get to feel like this wasn’t all my fault? When do I get relief? I haven’t been treating my self very well the last couple of days and I know it’s my twisted brain punishing me for once again ruining something that could have changed my life. I can’t go back. I can’t go and plead forgiveness for something I’m not sorry for doing. But my heart aches for something familiar. Someone to hold my hand and enjoy my company. I want to laugh at inside jokes and I want to take road trips. I have learned by example that past relationships are in the past for a reason and that if I make the turn back I’m doomed to repeat my mistakes. I have never been good at being alone. I know I can do it but I think people where meant to be in pairs so they can grow together and learn and bounce silly ideas off each other to save one another from heartache and to comfort one another when the world seems to have turned against you. I sadly repeat “I am a stepping stone” ray got his light back, Zachary and Bradshaw and Graham have moved on if not to other people then to better things. it’s funny lookin back at the boys I loved, and I did love them all in some way, and realizing they problly don’t think of me half as often as I think of them. I have been playing this cool chick that doesn’t give a shit and I’m thinking it’s about time to stop pretending and BE that badass. I just have no idea how it’s done.

I’m thinking in tight circles This to that and back again I am not mourning the loss I can’t because I don’t feel like I had anything I tried really hard but maybe this is the pills working. I’m not sure if I feel pain so much as I feel a great relief A sigh let loose after a century of held breath. I was never very good with words.